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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Some Interesting Facts about Tottenham Hotspur

FACT No 1. Tottenham are the BIGGEST entity in the universe. In fact, they are SO BIG that the rules of physics do not apply to them. They are so massive that that light actually bends as it approaches White hart Lane. When Stephen Hawking launched his book “A Brief History of Time” he spent six hours explaining his theory about “Big Bang”. At the end of the lecture a Spurs supporter stood up and said “Yeah, great theory mate, but what about the Spurs chances in Europe this season”

At this point Hawking knew that he had been rumbled, he faked a coronary and his speech synthesizer spontaneously self combusted.

Albert Einstein was a Spurs Supporter and so was his mum. Oppenheimer (who led the Manhattan Project to develop the A-Bomb) suggested to Eisenhower that it would be cheaper to just write “Come on you Spurs” on an empty bomb case and drop that on Japan, but soon realised that Spurs are SOOOO BIG that it would totally devastate the entire Pacific Rim region and turn the whole of Japan into a small piece of rock the size of a doughnut.

FACT No 2. Tottenham are the best club in the World – EVER. Spurs are such a great club that there is actually a waiting list to become a supporter. Some poorer families from East London and Essex have been waiting for over five generations just to buy a Spurs scarf. Famous Spurs Supporters include The Dalai Lama, Mahatma Ghandi, President Clinton, Catherine the Great, Rupert the Bear, Chas and Dave, Elvis Presley, Nanook of the North, the Vienna Boys Choir, Jesus Christ, Charlotte Church, Homer Simpson, His Imperial Majesty Emperor Hirohito of Japan and Teddy Sheringham.

FACT No 3. Tottenham have won every cup, trophy and competition, in every country for the last 250 years. They have 143 FA Cups, 215 Scudettos, 153 Copa del Reys, 215 League Championships, 29 Milk Cups and 217 Egg cups. They do this by wearing another teams colours, theatrical make up and padding. In last seasons European Cup Liverpool were losing 3-0 at half time so Rafa Benitez swapped his entire squad for Tottenham Reserves wearing Stevie Gerrard masks – the rest is history. Other famous Tottenham victories include The Battle of Waterloo, The Battle of Trafalgar, World War 2, Stalingrad, The Wesfalian Pumpernickel Wars, The Battle of Jenkins Ear and Grimsby. Arsenal only built Ashburton Grove so that Spurs can use Highbury as their trophy cabinet.

Tottenham play World Cup football under the alias of “Brasil” and they have won it over 5 times!!

In the 70’s, Tottenham won the Tour de France for five consecutive years – on a unicycle!!!

FACT No 4. Every professional footballer has a clause in their contract that allows them to sign for Spurs at a moments notice, even if they are in the middle of a game. This allows other lesser teams such as West Ham, Man Utd, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Derby to act as “feeder” clubs to the mega-club that is Spurs. Pele, Maradona, van Basten, Cruyff, Best and Keegan are just some of the names that have failed to make the cut and become Spurs players

FACT No 5 White Hart Lane has a seating capacity of 513,000 and it’s SOOOO BIG that if you buy the cheapest ticket in the stadium, you will have to catch a plane to the Falkland Islands to reach your seat. White Hart Lane is a World Heritage Site, mangos and bananas grow on the trees and naked handmaidens massage you with exotic oils as you watch Spurs defeat all that dare to play them.

FACT No 6 Spurs fans are taller, better looking, more popular and more intelligent than any other team’s supporters. They have bigger schlongs and can satisfy hundreds of women without even pausing for a break. Even a baby born to just one Spurs parent has an IQ of 276 just 10 minutes after being born. Many consider Michelangelo’s “David” to be the world’s foremost example of homoerotic art. It’s not. It is actually the minimum standard required to be allowed entrance to White Hart Lane.

[ kyrre ] | 7:33 AM | Comment(s)

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Hi, i don't care what you say about me as long as you say something about me, and as long as you spell my name right.

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